Thursday, February 3, 2011

It's okay to cry...............

Before Bob was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma, but when I knew he was really sick and didn't know why .....I started crying....

crying because I was scared.........

crying because I knew something was wrong, but I couldn't seem to make the doctor hear me.......

crying because my honey, whom I had always called my "energizer bunny" was fading before my very eyes.......

crying because I thought he might actually die before we could get a diagnosis.......

crying because it seemed there was nothing else I could do......

And then.......

he was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma

I didn't know anything about it, but I knew it was cancer.......and I cried!!

I cried everytime I tried to talk about it........

I cried in the shower, as the water washed over me........

I cried into my pillow, at night.........

I cried as I sat rocking, on our front porch, listening to the wind as it brushed the tops of the tall pines near our house.........

I cried as I tried to talk to our daughters, over the phone, about their father and his cancer.......

I cried because I couldn't believe this was happening to him - to us........

I cried, and I cried, and I cried. I cried when it seemed there should be no more tears.......

I couldn't understand how there could be so many, and where they came from, but they were there.......

And, when he was in so much pain that he cried - I cried with him, because I could do nothing for him, except cry with him...........

I had become an expert, at crying.....

And then, I got angry.

Angry that I couldn't stop crying........

This was the time that the two of us had to talk, to discuss things......and everytime we would start a discussion, I couldn't complete a sentence without breaking down, and crying........

Someone suggested that I "take something" .....a drug to help me cope. I didn't want a drug to dull my emotions of these days. I didn't want to cry, but I did want to feel; I didn't want a drug that would stop me from feeling. I didn't want a drug to stop me from being me. I realized the time might come when I would have to "take something", but I didn't want it to be now........

Finally, I began to be able to discuss Bob's cancer with others, without crying. Now, if I could just get to the point where I could discuss it with him!..........

And then the anger extended  from being angry that I couldn't stop crying, to being angry that my husband had cancer...........

I was angry that we were in the winter of our lives; the time when we were both retired and could travel......and he had been chosen as the one to bear this burden..........

I was angry that this good man who had never smoked or drank and had lived a pretty good life, had cancer......

I was angry that he was in so much pain..............

I was angry when we went to the ER and had to endure doctors who knew nothing about Multiple Myeloma and the pain that it caused..........

I even found that I was angry with my husband - I knew it was a stupid emotion, it wasn't his fault that he had cancer, but I was angry.......

And then, it turned to depression.

I still didn't want to "take something", but I knew I was depressed.......

I was finally, for the most part, past the crying stage, but I was depressed.......

It was hard to smile, and remain upbeat......

I found myself going through the motions of everyday, because I had to.......

I was depressed because I was sorry for Bob, sorry for me, sorry for what might be........

I had always been a strong woman, not physically strong but mentally strong. I knew that I could bring myself out of the depths of my depression because I had to. When our girls needed strong advice, my mantra had always been "pull yourselves up, by your boot straps". Now, I needed to heed my own advice!.....

I knew that I was in Elizabeth Kubler-Ross' "5 Stages of Grieving".........
  • Denial (Crying)
  • Anger
  • Bargaining
  • Depression
  • Acceptance
I hadn't yet "bargained" with God (had I?) although I had prayed and prayed. I knew that everything was in God's time - not mine - and I doubted that bargaining would do any good.

I wasn't sure that I could ever "accept" what had happened, what was happening. How could one "accept" cancer and all that it meant?  I was dealing with it, and all that it entailed, but I wasn't sure that I had completely worked through the "Acceptance" stage.

Finally, I knew that all my tears were okay. I loved this man, beyond measure. We had been together over 50 years.....he deserved every tear that I had shed for him, and with him, and any that I might have to shed in days to come.

I am thankful for every day, together........

It's okay to cry..............

4 comments:

  1. It's amazing isn't it? Great Post!

    Dave and I couldn't talk about it, except once in a while he would blurt out 3 or 4 words and look at me. I felt so alone as so many things were running through my head that I was trying to beat back or handle so I could keep focused on Dave. But when he would blurt something out like "I'm so sorry!" I would respond and add a tidbit of whatever my attention was on to help him. It was pretty stunted. But I just didn't feel like I could put all the stuff running through my head in his head. I just had to wait for him. It was so hard. I needed him so much.

    I'm also glad you didn't take anything. I don't begrudge others, but I don't feel its valid so routinely just because things are hard. It's LIFE! Feeling unwanted emotions in times like these is exactly how we get through it. When you take drugs it masks the process and I have people in my own family who never recovered from tragedies. I think its because they never actually worked through them as they were masked by the drugs.

    Tough stuff Sarah. You're doing great. Hope your man does well and has his pain managed.

    Best,

    Lori

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  2. Lori: Thanks! I think I actually felt guilty, for crying. I finally realized that was my outlet.

    I can't knit, or crochet, but I once did cross-stitch. Maybe I should pull that back out. One can only stay on the Internet, so much!

    Blessings......and thanks for your knowledge!

    Sarah

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  3. I cried all the time also. I think part of that reaction was depression, which I've had about all my life, but I started on antidepressants which helped so much because I realized taking them also helped my husband (caregiver) feel better if he thought I felt better.

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    Replies
    1. Kate: Neither Bob nor I have had issues with depression, but this MM makes one depressed! (Just one of the side-effects of MM.)

      Hope you are doing well, and that your hubby is too.

      Hugs...

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