I Am Ordinary.....

I sit in my rocker on my front porch of our house built by my honey. I watch the tall pines, to the east of my house, as the tops are circling in the wind. I’ve burrowed deep into Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’ ‘Five Stages of Grief.’ I think I actually began the grieving process the day I was told he had cancer. I knew this day would come. I tried to imagine how it would be without him. At night, as I lay beside him, I would attempt to commit the nights to memory – knowing that, one day, he wouldn’t be there.

I remember those nights, I remember those “front porch days” – days when I would sit and rock, knowing that one day he wouldn’t be inside, in his recliner. I now look back on those nights and days – remembering and trying to feel him, there beside me. It was an impossible feat, then and it’s impossible, now.

I look at the legacy he left behind. He was a very talented craftsman. I live in a home that he designed and built.  Our children and grandchildren and friends have beautiful “Handcrafted by Bob Gorrell” pieces. We would rather have him!

My pastor recently spoke on “Being Ordinary”. At the time, I didn’t connect what he was saying to me.

Recently, a sweet cousin who lost her husband, made me realize that I’m not so unusual. I mentioned that I had prayed, fervently, that God would allow this to be a bad dream. Let me awaken one morning and have Bob there. I would imagine saying to him, “you won’t believe what I dreamed.” Her response was, “I also did that.”

I related to our youngest daughter, my conversation with my cousin, and her response was “Mom, that’s what Brother Beard preached about. He was speaking to you. You are normal.”

God works in mysterious ways, and things happen for a reason – even though we may never understand why. God has proven to me, in so many ways, how blessed I am to be in this small town with so many friends and family. I’ve also learned that I am ordinary …..and that’s such a relief!

Life Goes On.....

We all have hard days of one kind or another, in our lives. A young son-in-law was killed, in a one car accident, years ago.....that was a hard day. My dad had a massive stroke and passed away.....that was a hard day. My mom died, suddenly........that was a hard day. My honey was diagnosed with MM on October 7, 2010....not quite 4 years ago (the doctor predicted that he would live 5 years).....that was a terrible day. He has been in and out of remission during this time, but remission was "just a word" (as one caregiver reminded me). He very seldom felt good and was in pain most of the time. On Thursday, August 28, 2014 I called hospice......and that was a bad day. But the worst day, of my entire life, came on Friday, September 5, 2014 when my honey took his last breath. 

He had begun to have many, mini strokes. He could no longer swallow without being reminded to do so. He was incontinent and was unable to stand and straighten his legs. Our youngest daughter and I were his constant caregivers. Near the end, I put a baby monitor in his room so I could hear him call me. 

God truly blessed us. During those last days, there were about 3 where he could still speak and knew what we were saying to him. He had begun to call me "mama" over the past year and he often called out to me. We were able to express our love, for each other, one last time. 

He left us a legacy....a beautiful house that he designed and built. A front porch that is my place of solace....a place where we can go to cry because he's no longer here....but remember the good times, good memories, good man.

He always commented that, if we died, we'd have to call "Rent-A-Friend". I hope he was able to see all the folks who came to honor him. 

His Urn of Ashes now sits in the Library he built, in our house. I feel comfortable knowing that he's "back home" with me. It will sit there....until I go....then mine will, once again, be joined with my honey.

.........Sadly......life goes on.

#MultipleMyeloma  #death  #passing  #cremation

Another MM Warrior in heaven..........

                                                         For Bob                        

God gave you the strength of the mighty oak

He blessed you with the warmth of the sun

You received the energy of the raging wind

And your laughter he threw in for fun.

Your hair like snow covering a mountain

Your eyes blue as the sky above

He gave you a smile that could light a room

And a heart overflowing with love.

You were blessed with wonderful talent

God gave you a sense of design

Forever you’ll be remembered

By the legacy you’ve left behind.

We’ll remember you loved to travel

So many sights we were able to see

You had a sense of adventure

And a love of history.

Your shop was your place of solace

You loved NASCAR and state football

Golf was a favorite hobby

But love of family topped them all.

You’ve been a perfect role model

For our family through the years

We’ll cherish the lessons you taught us

As we wipe away our tears.

Your side of the bed now empty

No one in your favorite chair

How can I live without you?

We were the perfect pair.

You’re our own special angel

Watching us from above

Thanks for the years you gave us

Thanks for the unconditional love.

With all my love, Sarah