Tuesday, October 21, 2014

I Am Ordinary.....

I sit in my rocker on my front porch of our house built by my honey. I watch the tall pines, to the east of my house, as the tops are circling in the wind. I’ve burrowed deep into Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’ ‘Five Stages of Grief.’ I think I actually began the grieving process the day I was told he had cancer. I knew this day would come. I tried to imagine how it would be without him. At night, as I lay beside him, I would attempt to commit the nights to memory – knowing that, one day, he wouldn’t be there.

I remember those nights, I remember those “front porch days” – days when I would sit and rock, knowing that one day he wouldn’t be inside, in his recliner. I now look back on those nights and days – remembering and trying to feel him, there beside me. It was an impossible feat, then and it’s impossible, now.

I look at the legacy he left behind. He was a very talented craftsman. I live in a home that he designed and built.  Our children and grandchildren and friends have beautiful “Handcrafted by Bob Gorrell” pieces. We would rather have him!

My pastor recently spoke on “Being Ordinary”. At the time, I didn’t connect what he was saying to me.

Recently, a sweet cousin who lost her husband, made me realize that I’m not so unusual. I mentioned that I had prayed, fervently, that God would allow this to be a bad dream. Let me awaken one morning and have Bob there. I would imagine saying to him, “you won’t believe what I dreamed.” Her response was, “I also did that.”

I related to our youngest daughter, my conversation with my cousin, and her response was “Mom, that’s what Brother Beard preached about. He was speaking to you. You are normal.”

God works in mysterious ways, and things happen for a reason – even though we may never understand why. God has proven to me, in so many ways, how blessed I am to be in this small town with so many friends and family. I’ve also learned that I am ordinary …..and that’s such a relief!

6 comments:

  1. Stay strong Sarah xx Lovely that you are still blogging as I think it is important that you share this whole MM process. My husband was diagnosed in April, he is 50 years old. He has had chemo twice a week for 5 months with not much of a positive result so we are now awaiting results of a motivation for a stem cell transplant.

    Thank you for sharing your story, it really means allot to me, almost as if I am not alone.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Vivienne: Hang in there....I often think it's as hard on the caregiver as it is on the patient. Above all, if he says he hurts...do anything you can to help relieve the pain. I did so much for my honey, but wish I had tried even more. Your sweet man is young enough for the SCT to help. My honey was too old to try it. Hugs

      Delete
  2. Hi there, I'm Lindsey! I have a question regarding your blog. Could you please email me when you have a moment? Thank you so much, looking forward to hearing from you!

    lindseyDOTcaldwellATrecallcenterDOTcom

    ReplyDelete
  3. Sarah, I am glad you have a support system in place to guide you through the first set of holidays without your honey... and encourage you to read "Journey of Souls" as a comforting message that he is not far away. Thinking of you as we approach the darkest days of the year, knowing that the light (in all ways) is coming back... hugs!

    ReplyDelete
  4. It is sad as to what happens to us, humans, it is a way of life.

    ReplyDelete
  5. lovely piece, and flow of thoughts

    ReplyDelete