Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Six Months of a Year of Firsts.........

Message to my honey:

Tomorrow, you will have been gone six months. Six months. Six months. Six months. It seems impossible that I've lived, without you, this long. This wasn't supposed to be....or maybe it was. We vowed "til' death do us part"......I just never realized how hard that would be. 

I'm going through this "year of firsts....."

The most important "first" is the fact that you are no longer here, with me/us, physically. That has probably been the hardest "first" with which I've had to deal. I know there are verses, in the Bible, that mention God bringing the dead back to life. I prayed and prayed for that.....for a miracle.......and I finally stopped. On a Sunday, I listened to a television church service which talked about grieving for those who have left us. The minister reminded me that "You would still be here had it been in God's plan." I know people may think I'm crazy (and I care not) but I hope you enjoyed our Christmas trip. That's one of the blessings of having you in an urn......you can still travel with me. I just couldn't stand the thought of you being alone, at Christmas. Or was it that I just couldn't stand to be without you?  I touch the urn and feel like I'm still touching you.

My 2nd "first" was the first trip that I took in October, without you. As long as I had an audio book, or something to which I could look forward - I was okay. Otherwise, those long stretches of road contained many tears. The hardest part of the trip was when I would get to an area where we had been, together. I had memories, but I also had tears and an almost constant disbelief that you were gone.

Your 77th birthday happened, not long after you left us. That was the 3rd "first". We had gotten to the point that we were just thankful to wake up ..... birthdays weren't a big deal, but it was a big deal that you were no longer here to wake up beside me.

Thanksgiving, 2014 was the 4th "first". Thankfully, I wasn't alone. Adam came home, from Engineer Training School, to be with me. He sat at your place at the dinner table. It wasn't the same. You always helped with the cooking. I felt alone, in the kitchen. You weren't there to help with the dressing, to bake the ham....it wasn't the same.

Then came Christmas 2014 the 5th, and what I feared would be one of the hardest, "first".  You and I spent this Christmas, in Texas. That's one of the blessings of having you in an urn. You can go with me. You were always so hard to buy for, and that's about the only blessing to this new life that I'm now living. You bought the best Christmas gifts. Christmas was hard - but so are many days. Again, thankfully I was with family, and I wasn't alone. I slipped out of the room, often, to shed my tears.  I just couldn't stand the thought of you being alone, at Christmas. Or was it that I just couldn't stand to be without you?  I touch the urn and feel like I'm still touching you.

I started 2015 without you....my 6th "first". I was back in the town where we had spent so many of our beginning years of marriage and where our first child was born. Where we owned our first house. It was an "only"....the only time that I had been there without you. I didn't drive by our old house, or your parents old house, or your old school. I couldn't.  We've shared so many years together. This seems to be one of the hardest of all the "firsts"......the fact that it's going to be a year in which you won't have been with me.

My birthday....I added another "first"....the 7th.  Adding another year to my life, even though your years stand still. Tonight I realized that one day (God willing) I will reach the year, in age, when you left us.

Mardi Gras. You loved catching those beads! I wish you had been with us on this 8th "first" when it was Sydney's first, and Olivia's first, Mardi Gras. 

And then Valentine's Day....the 9th "first." "Libby", as you called her, brought me a rose. Gale sent candy and a gift, Robbie called. They didn't forget me, but it wasn't the same. It was supposed to be "Lover's Day".... you will always be my love, even though you aren't here. 

The "firsts" will continue as the years pass. There will be many things that I do that you won't have done or won't have been with me, to do. 

I read something, I see something, I hear something and immediately, I want to tell you about it. "I need to tell Bob about this," seems to be my constant thought. How often we talked, on the phone......several times each day....about everything....or nothing. 

We had 54 years....we should have had 100! 

Life is good, but it often doesn't seem fair. 

These six months have flown by.......it seems like just yesterday when you said "I Love You".....and I'd really love to hear it, just one more time.

Grieving through a year of firsts.....
#grieving #firstyear #cancer #sad @sixmonths #death #grief

15 comments:

  1. oh, Dear Sarah,

    your words resonate with the decimating, gut wrenching sorrow of such horrific loss, and I am so sorry. i am glad you have family and friends who are so loving and caring. when we lose the Love of our Life nothing is ever the same , is it. feeling hopelessly lonely even in a crowd of people who love us is something that is unimaginable until it happens to us. our identity gets shattered - we are mothers with no fathers to partner up with, grandmas without our counterpart grandpas - i still sob each time i sign a greeting card with only my name.

    it's good that you write letters to your dear Bob; i write letters to Hugh nearly everyday. it helps to get all the surreal sorrow and confusion and ache of missing him...missing the US-ness...missing the absence of his presence. and no matter how long we have been blessed to have had our Beloveds with us - it is NEVER enough.

    i will keep you held close to my heart, sending you lots of gentle, warm hugs...

    much love,

    karen

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  2. Sarah,

    You have written this so beautifully. And I am so glad that you have blogged again. So often I scroll down the blogs I follow on the left hand side of my home page and wondered if we would hear from you again.

    I think of you often and pray that dealing with all these firsts will get easier. Just think of all the news you will have to tell Bob one day when you are together again.

    Stay strong
    xx

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    Replies
    1. Thank you for ready and sharing. The days get easier and then a hard one pops in.

      Hugs.....

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  6. Thank you for sharing your powerful story. Keep strong as you inspire others.

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  7. A great and fascinating story! thanks for sharing

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  8. This is too moving... but it encourages people through life. Thanks for sharing

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  9. Just reading this now, after following the links.
    Hugs.
    Roo

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  10. This brought tears to my eyes from the 1st to the last paragraph...Beautifully written.

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  11. Sarah,

    your view on life encourages anyone who reads this to live through life.

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